Before I Die

I’m sure the concept of a bucket list is pretty universal by this point (at least for English speakers), but if you’re not aware: a bucket list is a list of goals you’d like to achieve and experiences you’d like to have before you “kick the bucket” (a euphemism for die).

Become fully accepting of my disabilities. I am always going to be disabled, so instead of fighting my mind and body, I really want to learn to work with them. The first, and likely hardest step, is accepting that I am disabled. I will often think I have reached a place of acceptance, but then I find myself in a state of frustration about my situation not long after. It’d be really cool if I could get that to stop.

Become fluent in Dutch. As in, so fluent that people don’t realise it’s not my first language. I’m not sure if this is even possible because I didn’t grow up here and simply don’t have the tongue dexterity specifically necessary for Dutch, but I’m sure as hell willing to try!

Become multilingual. I don’t know exactly which other languages I’d like to become fluent in, but top of the list right now are German and Te Reo Māori.

Achieve financial independence. Being disabled makes this difficult, but I would love to find something that generates enough money for me to be able to not have to rely entirely on my husband. It’d be super cool if I could treat him to nice things every now and then.

Take up reading again. Fiction reading used to be something I was OBSESSED with, but when I fell ill, I found it difficult to both concentrate and simply just hold a book for long periods of time. For whatever reason, non-fiction reading didn’t exhaust me in the same way, so I’m thinking there’s a mental block there. I’d love to train myself to find fiction reading enjoyable again.

Take up running again. This one may be permanently out of reach if I’m also going to accept my disabilities, but I want to be able to comfortably run for at least 10 minutes without it meaning I cannot do anything else for the rest of the day and probably 2-3 days after that. Running was once my favourite source of dopamine, so getting that back would be absolutely amazing.

Get a tattoo. It never fails to amaze me that I do not have any tattoos yet. I would love to get at least one tattoo before my body gets hacked to pieces by science. I have one particular design in mind that’s been there for a long time, so I don’t think I’ll change my mind. Let’s see if I ever actually go and get it!

Do SOMETHING different with my hair. I have had the same general hair cut since I was a kid, sometimes with a fringe, sometimes without. I’ve also coloured my hair black since I was 16. I really want to try something like purple or rainbow hair, and a side shave. But like tattoos, I just haven’t gotten around to it.

Go skydiving. This is probably the most adrenaline-pumping thing I can think to do and I freakin’ love adrenaline. This goal requires me to weigh a considerable amount less than I currently do, so I guess that also means losing weight is a goal.

Stay in one of those glass igloos under the Northern Lights. This is my only travel bucket list item because of how unlikely it is to happen. Not just because it’s a pretty expensive experience, but because it’s also not guaranteed to happen when we’ve booked to go. It would be absolute freakin’ amazing though!

Pet a capybara. What? Don’t look at me like that. I just fucking love capybara, okay?

Done!

Graduated from university.
2012, 2014, 2016
When I dropped out of high school due to the battle I was having with my mental health, I wasn’t so sure this would ever happen. But not only did I graduate with a Bachelor’s degree, but I also got two graduate qualifications after that! Badass!

Got married.
2015
This wasn’t exactly on my bucket list before it happened because marriage isn’t really something I was ever fussed on, but I did it anyway so I’m counting it as an achievement. I guess the real achievement was finding someone who liked me enough to marry me!

Moved to another country.
2016
Another thing I admit wasn’t originally on my bucket list, but something I’m immensely proud of nonetheless. It’s one of the biggest things you can do in life, really!

Bought a house.
2018
This is something I never expected I’d ever be able to do as someone who grew up in New Zealand, but moving to another country with better home ownership incentives and getting in before the housing market went to shit (and having a kickass husband) worked out in my favour.

Became a dog mum.
2019
I would have done this a long time before it happened if it weren’t for crappy rental rules, but when we bought the house, dogs became not only a possibility but an absolute necessity!

Got correctly diagnosed.
2022
After 30 years of wondering what was wrong with me and not being able to overcome my mental health issues, I was finally given the correct diagnosis of ADHD.